“The Twilight Saga: Eclipse” hits theaters Wednesday, which means it’s time for millions of women to fall into a collective swoon in their Team Edward T-shirts. I will own up to not being one of them. Maybe I’m too old; I saw a clip of some momentous encounter from the previous movie and thought they looked like a bunch of sullen teenagers at a family reunion. I was half expecting one or more of them to pull out a cell phone and start texting.
But I’m not here to slag on the casting or acting talent of the Twilight series; I’m here to make the case that surgeons make better crushes than vampires. And to build that case, I should start with the similarities. What do surgeons and vampires have in common? Blood is the obvious link. Perhaps a less obvious one is how weirdly intimate their activities are. I can’t think of anything more intimate than having fangs puncture your throat, except having the same thing happen with a scalpel. Well, I can think of one other thing, but I don’t want to be labeled as adult content.
Now on to what makes surgeons better crushes than vampires. Reason No 1: Downplaying real drama is sexier than manufacturing fake drama. I’m sorry but glaring at your fake enemies and fake flying through fake treetops don’t count. You want the real thing, try getting wheeled into an operating room or better yet, an emergency room. That’s more drama than anyone could ever want. Does your surgeon glare or snarl or gnash his fangs, er, teeth, to reinforce this? No. He is the essence of calm, which attracts your worried soul like light attracts a moth.
Reason No. 2: Surgeons are not morally challenged. The vampire hero is always fighting against his true nature to protect those he cares about. The vampire villain doesn’t bother, of course, but either way, there’s no equivalent of the Hippocratic Oath. Surgeons, on the other hand, represent the better angels of our nature by healing when they can and comforting when they can’t. Team Surgeon wins this one hands down.
Reason No. 3: The aforementioned blood thing. Vampires want to suck it out of you; surgeons want to make sure you keep it. They’re not trafficking in death, un- or otherwise, but life. And tell me, what’s sexier than being alive?